April 9, 2004
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Dear Mother of Some Deity or Another! I heard william Hung’s rendition of She Bangs on the radio today. The joke has now officially gone too far.
My brother has found his calling in life. He has decided to be a spirit guide. Next time you are undergoing visions, howl for space coyote.
it takes years of training and dedication to become a spirit guide…
hey look! is that enlightenment over there?
And now, for your entertainment the first of what may be many “lists of people who should be shot.”
People who write on wide-ruled paper. People who change their answering machine message when they go on vacation but then forget to change it back for a month after they return. People who order dressing on the side. People who try to bum cigarettes off of me even though I don’t smoke. Smokers who complain about other smokers bumming cigarettes off of them.Thirty-year old chicks with belly button rings. Guys who blow-dry their hair. People who call you to ask for a phone number but then don’t have a pen ready when you give it to them. People who carry both cell phones and beepers.Deliverymen who claim they don’t have change for a twenty. People who brag about how few books they’ve read. People who prefer Goobers over Raisinets.People who act like they’re having an epileptic seizure when they win a radio contest.People who set their watches to beep every hour. People who pronounce nuclear, “nook-yular”. and, The French.
If you have any you would like to add to the list, leave a comment
-J
“We surrender!”
“But we haven’t attacked you yet”
“Maybe not, but this saves time and paperwork”
UPDATE: Okay Ken, the bellybutton people may all be asked to remove their jewelry upon reaching a certain age. Should they fail to comply, they go back on the list, joining peepz who pay for a delivery with a 20
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Why Not Zoidberg
Comments (3)
The space coyote thing…is that a reference to the Simpsons?
Nookyular pisses me off greatly. Call me when you actually go on this shooting spree… I’ll lock and load.
What are u doing to Brian???
About the bellybutton ring: don’t u think you’re being a little harsh there? Ya sure, I bet there’s plenty who should be shot, but I’ll bet not all. And what’s wrong with ordering dressing on the side? Say you had to drive home in LA traffic before you could eat it. Do you want your croutons getting all soggy? And the French: crouton sounds french, and they gave us the statue of liberty, ah fuck it. And speaking of “nook-yular,” shoot jessica simpson. Raisinets are definitely better than boogers. Wide ruled paper? I haven’t seen notebook paper in like… so long i forgot. And add to your list people who pay for deliveries with a 20.
“please don’t shoot me”
“or else what?”
“I will shoot you back [from a 20mm Vulcan cannon].” ~modified excerpt from The Bruce Lee Story