May 28, 2006

• Help The Poor Babies Dot Com

  Lately I have noticed a rash of tragic baby misnaming, from Kal El
  Koppola to Apple Paltrow to Banjo Griffiths or even Elijah Bob
  Patricius Guggi Q (Bono’s son). This is not to mention names out there
  like shaneequa, laquetia or latoya or any other made up syllables that
  sound suitably ethnic.

  This has got to stop. I suggest an Organization which will operate a
  web site on which people will suggest stupid or offensive first names,
  and then pledge money toward the first infant so christened. When a
  parent proves that they have given their infant one of the handles on
  the list (without adding a more serviceable middle name, which would be
  cheating), the money which has accrued to that name goes into a trust
  fund to help finance therapy for the child later in life, or for them
  to blow on drugs, or to do whatever they feel might help

  Because of the system of pledges, the worst names would bring the
  greatest compensation–TheHulk or Kal-El might get a few hundred
  dollars, Scrotum several thousand, and so on

  There are numerous potential benefits to this scheme:

  The parents themselves wont directly profit, and kids will have some
  compensation for being called “Petal” or “Kansas”; Parents may still
  choose silly names in order to fund their kid’s education but this is
  fine because

  a) poorer parents will have a much stronger incentive to do so,
  children may have a chance for university education who would not have
  otherwise

  b)on a larger scale, since wealthier people are more likely to
  contribute money to a cause this frivoulous, it effects a
  redistribution of wealth w/o any new taxes or revolutionary bloodbaths

  2) There will be more people with silly names in years to come, so that
  being introduced to people will become more interesting and you will
  have to pay attetion at parties instead of just calling everyone
  “John”, and people with silly names will feel less alone, and we all
  can relax about the silly names issue

  3) Finally, the thing will feed on itself as the shock quotient of
  today’s stupid names declines so that there must be continuous progress
  in this area (today’s Cynchea and Toblerone become tomorros Scrotus and
  ZinZinnZoom). Furthermore the pool of “normal names” will become
  diluted so Jennifer and Joshua begin to seem equally valid and no names
  seem dull
  

  -J

  The Josh: Solving The World’s Problems, one day at a time

  • 2:34 pm
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