December 1, 2006

• Axis of Idiocy:: Origins

  While last time I briefly ranted about the axis of idiocy, i felt a slightly more in depth clarification of how things have come to be this way is needed. How did the axis first form…I mean, everyone has their origins right? Bruce wayne saw his parents murdered, peter parker got bit by a radioactive spider, even the fantastic four went joyriding through gamma radiation. (and by the way human torch? gayest battle cry ever…FLAME ON…anything you say, seacrest)

  How did four ordinary students who were perhaps a bit on the inquisitve side become the overpowering force for sheer stupidity that they are today. It all began with a simple raising of the hand, a mere four months
  ago. From this initial promise of m2 life spewed forth a mass of churning,
  ugly, indistinguishable questions from indistinguishable
  question-askers. However, as a result of environmental influences,
  these people have changed, morphed, and evolved into their present,
  differentiated conditions.

  It has been said their are no stupid questions.There are however, a lot of inquisitive idiots. Here are the main species of offender

  Emptus Brainus – You know who this is. Approximately every five
  minutes, this particular species will raise his or her hand. Not out of
  a desire to annoy or show off, but rather because this person simply
  does not get it. By it, I mean anything the lecturer is saying. For
  example, a slide on “Four causes of Pulmonary Edema” might be followed
  immediately with a “So which are the four causes of pulmonary edema?”
  Or a slide stating “The active site is very nonspecific, so that MANY
  molecules can fit in it” with a picture of six different things fitting
  is followed with a “Does that mean these types of proteins can fit six
  different molecules only?”. It is not long before a “Can you help me
  tie my shoes?” or “Why is my tinkle yellow?” question will appear in
  class. It makes you wonder how this person made it this far? I mean
  seriously, how the hell does someone like this get into medical school?
  Do you really want this type being YOUR doctor? I sure as heck don’t.
  This raises the question: how does one know how to avoid such creatures
  of idiocy?

  Phrase that pays: The wheel is spinning, but the hampster’s dead

  Toolus Maximus – This particular species sadly does not even realize he
  or she belongs to the Question-Asker class. Instead, this person basks
  in a false sense of coolness, faking a sense of idiocy by choosing to
  raise his or her hand and say something that makes him or her sound
  dumb to look cool. You all know what I mean. For example, when the professor asks if there is anyone who did not cover this topic in first year  (which is an M2 lecture and which we all had together), this person will raise their hand and play on the lecturers mistake trying to pretend they were just a really smart M1.  Oh please shut the fuck up. The beautiful irony
  is that this person is only demonstrating how BIG of an idiot he or she
  is anyways, and, more importantly, how this idiot personifies all that
  is “Tool”-ness (a word that evades definition but is so important and
  all-encompassing – perhaps I will go into what really defines a tool
  some other time).

  Phrase That Pays: Back in the shed with you!

  Knowit Allus - Not one of our particular axis of idiocy, this type of question asker is nonetheless present in many medical schools, although natural selection has normally gotten rid of them by 2nd year. No matter the lecture, this
  person insists on demonstrating his or her outside knowledge (most
  likely as a result of working as an EMT or other related health
  profession, but this could also apply to a law student who spent three
  years as a para-legal, etc.) by asking a question that is over almost
  everyone’s head and by inserting as many complicated abbreviations as
  possible. A typical exchange might go as follows:

  Professor – “…so that is a typical acid-base case.”
  KA
  - “Would you want to administer the epi or naravac before or after
  getting the ABG, or is that contraindicated by an increased PMI?”

  Offus Highwayus- Perhaps a sufferer of ADD as a child, this type can
  often be found pulling questions out of thin air, totally blind to the
  fact that such questions are completely and utterly irrelevent and
  wholly detrimental to the learning process of the class. Beyond that,
  they are really fucking annoying too. Interestingly, the questions are
  often KA-like and way beyond the scope of the class, and suggest that
  there is a recent common ancestor between these two species. Often, once off the highway the OH takes every twist and turn possible, with a number of followup questions only barely tangential to their original question

  Phrase That Pays: Hello Alice. welcome back from wonderland

  Makus Sensus – Shockingly, one group has evolved that does ask
  questions that are clear, relevant, and not long-winded. Atheists
  beware: The evolution of this group ironically provides true evidence
  for the presence of a higher being and true divine intervention. It is from this group that the heroes to combat the axis of idiocy will arise, and we must nurture and protect them until that time comes, for the forces of stupid remain ever watchful, if not very bright

  And in case you were wondering, I am in the group Silent Observus-the predominant species who prefers to simply show up, let the professor do their thing, and then review the notes like mad on my own til I get the concept.

  -J

  • 12:42 am
  • 2 Comments