December 7, 2006

• That $@**^&! Christmas Song

  I think it is a safe bet to tell you that most people from southern california have never eaten a chestnut. We hear about them every holiday and think
  how great it would be to live in a place with seasons and snowmen and icicles
  and pine wreaths and White Christmases.

  Having spent the last three years living in Chicago,
  I can testify that seasons and snowmen and icicles and pine wreaths and White
  Christmases are all OVERRATED. As are chestnuts. Okay sledding rocks, and I love the first few weeks of winter. it is the remaining 6 months of it that grate on you. but i digress

  Given that we are going to be performing this song soon as an a capella thing, i figured, hey, perhaps i should see what all the fuss it about. I got the unassuming looking nuts and did a little
  research on the internet about preparation. I went and picked up a few to cook while I was making some cioppino and reading from the brs. Hey,
  "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire", right???

  The internets told me that chestnuts are pretty much the first food that man may have
  hunted/gathered. And that it comes in a near impenetrable cone with spikes. And
  a near impenetrable shell. And that if you eat it undercooked it gives you
  "Intestinal Distress". Upon reflection, that's nature's way of
  telling you NOT to eat something, short of painting it poison frog red.

  I heard a tiny little "pop" from the stovetop and ran out to find my
  chestnuts had popped and split their shells! How cute!

  The flavor? Not so great. Sort of like a potato, nothing like a nut. In fact,
  my research found that most chestnut recipes revolve around making the noble
  chestnut taste as far from a chestnut as humanly possible.

  So today, being make-leftovers since i am too lazy to cook and study day, I
  decided to just cook up the rest of the chestnuts and do... something... anything
  with them. I hate wasting stuff. So I tossed them on a baking stone and threw
  them in the oven

  Okay, I did see the warning about how some of them might explode, but I was
  thinking like they did on the stovetop, which is what I wanted.

  I did not expect them to go off like fucking M-80s.

  The first one went in the oven and scared the bejeebus out of me, at which point i removed them from said device.

  So I pulled them out and let them cool, then began cutting small holes to get them
  started on shelling. Some hissed.One blew up on me. Literally blew up on
  me. And covered my face and shirt with a spongy, moist white substance. It's
  like a Vegan Japanese pervert's wet dream.

  And so, i'm offering this simple phrase. To kids from one to ninety two. Although its been tried, many times, many ways,

  STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM CHESTNUTS

  -J

  • 10:22 pm
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