January 9, 2007

• Cannabalism is immature…?

  Oh. My. Goodness. The following post is copy pasted whole from the internets. It is things like these that make me want to climb into my computer and never ever leave because all my craziness is validated multifold. This had to be shared. so please enjoy, while I resume studying (HAH) for my behavioral science SHELF exam.*

  *should that even be capitalized? does shelf stand for something, or is it just we needed some inanmiate object to suddenly become intimidating to med students? meh. whatever

  foxfirefey:
  I think we’re neglecting cannibalism. What better way to express your
  love for someone than making them part of you? IN THE FLESH.

  socratic:
  Look here, mister, cannibalism as a form of romantic expression is
  HIGHLY overrated. For one thing there are significant portions of the
  human body that are impossible and/or inconvenient to prepare for
  consumption. Have you ever cooked an appendix? NO. You have not! It is
  also quite high in calories (and while you can replace certain meals
  with human flesh you still need your standard doses of fruit,
  vegetables, refined sugar and preservatives, none of which are provided
  by the human body. Also have you ever brought flesh-jerky to a lunch
  meeting? People always ask you to share. Then you have to go through
  the whole “Sorry, can’t let you have any, it’s the dessicated flesh of
  someone I love.” conversation, which is so tedious.)

  Then
  there’s the excretion and egestion matter. What you take in you also
  let out. This means that every time you pee or drop a deuce you are
  also releasing bits of your lover. You have to either collect these
  waste products or flush away your love.

  If you use taxidermy not
  only do you avoid ALL of these issues, but you also get laid. Have you
  ever tried to have sex with a dookie made up entirely of your lover’s
  undigested flesh? I have. It’s just not romantic.

  funsocaltiger:
  Your cynicism and pragmatism far overlooks the overwhelmingly romantic
  as well as symbolic guesture of consuming not only the flesh but the
  soul of your loved one! Not to mention your dismissal of the
  consumption of the hardest to prepare organs such as the spleen or
  kidneys. Nothing says “I love you” more than having to cleanse, boil,
  cleanse, boil and repeat ad infinitum the kidneys of your lover. To say
  otherwise is to scream, “I can’t commit.”

  socratic:
  And you overlook the care and meticulouslness required to practice the
  fine art of taxidermy. You think boiling a kidney requires commitment?
  Try stuffing a face in such a way that it both looks like it did in
  life and doesn’t damage the skin. You think that wolfing down a
  mouthful of spleen is symbolic. What about the symbolism of
  painstakingly recreating the genitals of your lover out of rubber and
  then installing them between her thighs (Vaginae are all but impossible
  to keep ‘fresh’.)

  Cannibals talk a good game about ‘consuming
  the soul’ and ‘an eternal mingling’ but they’re fickle in my
  experience. Lovers are like Chinese food. Eat one in March and you’ll
  be hungry for a new one by November. Taxidermy, on the other hand,
  allows the relationship to truly be a lifelong affair. Your lover will
  be perfectly preserved for as long as you take care of her. And the
  upkeep is a means of maintaining that special bond.

  Cannibalism is a young person’s sort of love. Intense but fleeting. Taxidermy is mature and lasting.

  -J

  • 10:19 pm
  • 4 Comments