April 17, 2007

• Arachnian Rhapsody

  PETER PARKER: Is this the real life?
  Is this just fantasy?
  Bit by a spider,
  Now it’s changed my reality.

  MARY JANE: Open your eyes
  Our love is meant to be!

  PP: I’m just a nerd boy,
  I get no sympathy

  CHORUS: Your life is nerdity, mockery,
  One-handed love for thee

  PP: Anyway the web goes, Stan Lee doesn’t matter to me, to me.

  PP: Aunt May just lost her man
  I didn’t stop the guy
  But I could have, should have tried.
  Aunt May, I have just begun
  To use my new power responsibly.
  Aunt May, o-o-o-o,
  I had to let him die.
  Now I have an awesome origin story
  So I can go fight crime, that’s all that really matters.

  NORMAN OSBORN: That’s it, my time has come.
  Being CEO is lame
  When you’ve made pumpkins of flame.
  Goodbye everybody, I’ll kill you all;
  I’m all hopped up on some mutant PCP.
  Harry, o-o-o-o,
  You’re a lame-ass son,
  I sometimes wish you’d never been born at all…

  NO: I see a little silhouetto of a nerd-
  CHORUS: Spider man! Spider man! He is gonna whup your butt now!
  NO: Pumpkin bombs and green gas!
  PP: Damn, he’s kicking my ass! Eeep!
  CHORUS: Peter Parker! Peter Parker!
  Peter Parker! Peter Parker!
  Mary Jane is giving him wet dreams…
  PP: I’m still a nerd boy with a dead family!
  CHORUS: He’s still a nerd boy in the university!
  MJ: I’ll date his best friend, such a tragedy!
  PP: Fighting crime, need a job, look at my photos?
  J. JONAH JAMESON: YOU’RE FIRED! No, I’ll buy your crap photos.
  PP: My photos?
  JJJ: YOU’RE FIRED! No, make Spidey look crap-o.
  PP: But you know-
  JJJ: YOU’RE FIRED! Yo, Miss Brant, ditch this hobo.
  PP: Now I’ll go-
  JJJ: Make Spidey look crap-o!
  PP: Green Goblin?
  JJJ: That does not even rhyme!
  PP: What’s that no-
  NO: Now-I’ll-beat-you-like-a-ho!
  PP: Gone to dinner with my fam’ly-
  CHORUS: Norm and Harry have a row!
  The Green Goblin has discovered you are Spider-Man! Yes man! You’re cannned!

  [Cue guitar riff]

  NO: So you think you can shun me and hurt my pride?
  I’ve got your girl and a tram of folks and they’re fried!
  PP: No, baby! I can catch them both baby!
  NO: Left hook from the side!
  PP: Spider-Sense denied!
  MJ: Get him Tiger!

  [Cue fight scene]

  NO: Don’t tell little Harry
  That his dad’s crazy… *dies*
  PP: What do I tell Harry? What do I tell MJ? Why me?

  • 9:59 am
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