July 10, 2007

  • More than meets the eye…

    next spain post coming on my day off…in the meantime

    A LETTER TO
    OPTIMUS PRIME
    FROM HIS GEICO
    AUTO INSURANCE
    AGENT.



    Dear Mr. Prime,

    We have received your
    accident-claim reports for the month of June—they total 27. I regret to
    inform you that GEICO will not be able to reimburse you for any of
    those repairs. I feel that I have sent the same letter to you once a
    month for the last six months, and I am now sending it again.

    Since becoming a
    GEICO customer in January of this year, you have reported 131
    accidents, requesting reimbursement for repairs necessitated by each
    one. You have claimed not to be responsible in any of them, usually
    listing the cause of the accident as either “Sneak attack by
    Decepticons” or “Unavoidable damage caused by protecting freedom for
    all sentient beings.”

    The only repairs
    for which you were reimbursed were the replacement of a cracked fender
    and a headlight, required after a Mr. I. Ron Hide backed his van into
    your truck; these cost $1,286.63. Our own investigation concluded that
    you were not at fault and that Mr. Hide had been drinking prior to the
    accident. Though police were unable to test his blood-alcohol level—Mr.
    Hide claimed that it would be impossible for police to examine his
    blood-alcohol content with a Breathalyzer, because he “doesn’t
    breathe”—under Washington-state law, refusal to take a Breathalyzer
    test is equivalent to returning a result above the legal level.

    But, I repeat,
    those were the only repairs for which you have been reimbursed, and it
    was a very minor accident in comparison to your other claims. I mention
    a few to illustrate the larger trend:

    • $379,431.34 requested
      reimbursement for repairs to your truck cabin. You claimed the damage
      was caused by attacking fighter jets.
    • $665,789.11
      requested reimbursement for repairs to your trailer. You claimed the
      damage was caused by a giant mechanical scorpion, which I can only
      assume is some amusement-park ride, although I question the wisdom of
      bringing your mobile home so close to such dangerous equipment.
    • $6,564,239.44
      requested reimbursement for repairs to a truck part called the “Autobot
      Matrix of Leadership.” You stated this occurred in “an ultimate
      confrontation between good and evil,” with a Ms. Meg Atron and a Mr. U.
      Nicron causing the damage in question. Mr. Prime, I have checked every
      known car- and truck-part catalog published in the United States and
      have found nothing even resembling that part, never mind any part so
      expensive. Whatever disagreements you had with Ms. Atron and Mr.
      Nicron, I suggest that next time you either settle things peaceably or
      leave your Autobot Matrix of Leadership at home so it doesn’t break.
      GEICO does not cover Autobot Matrix of Leaderships.


    And the list goes on. Mr.
    Prime, I am going to remind you again: Your policy with GEICO only
    reimburses you for accidents that occur while you are engaged in the
    reasonable use of your truck and trailer. As I told you when you
    originally purchased the policy, GEICO does not offer Megatron
    coverage, Starscream coverage, Soundwave coverage, Decepticon coverage,
    or Energon-blast coverage. Those are just not the types of damages we
    would expect from reasonable use.

    To sum up, GEICO
    has been unable to reimburse you for any repairs, but due to the high
    number of accidents you have been a party to this month, combined with
    the many accidents you have had in the preceding five months, your
    premium has increased to $235,567.50 per month. While that may seem
    like a lot, I remind you that it is a savings of $137 over Progressive
    and $98 over State Farm. Please have your check into our main office by
    the end of July.

    Regards,

    Simon Furman
    GEICO Agent

    -J

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