July 27, 2007

• Thoughts on Harry Potter

  WARNING: POSSIBLE SPOILERS AHEAD!!!

  STILL SURE YOU WANT TO READ THIS POST???

  .According to the book, a weasel is Arthur Weasley’s patronus, which in Book
  3 was supposed to be super-advanced difficult magic used to defend the
  user from hideous soul-eating wraiths. In Book 7, they’re mostly used
  in place of text messaging, apparently. No i am serious. everyones patronus decides to start talking

  I always imagined Helga Hufflepuff laughing and thinking to herself,
  “They act like they all got the special ones, but I’m terribly pleased
  that Salazar took the the snobs, Godric took the troublemakers, and
  Rowena took the nerds. Now that they’ve skimmed off the worst of the
  little bastards, I’ll take the rest.”

  Alternative Harry Potter Endings
  

  • My name is Harry Inigo Montoya Potter. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
  • Harry, I am your father.
  • I
    know what you’re thinking… did he fire off five curses, or six? To
    tell the truth, I’ve lost count. But this is a Ollivander 11-inch holly
    wand with a phoenix feather core, the most powerful wand ever made, and
    it can blow your head clean off your shoulders. So, punk, are you
    feeling lucky?

  On another note, the 5th harry potter movie: disappointment. I mean if you have never read the series, that is one thing, and then you might enjoy it. But if you have, then so so so many details and things are left out, and yes i know it is a 700 page some odd book, but you managed to keep all the good bits in the first four, what happened. I am now also waiting for harry potter macros, since i am sure umbridge has a bunch of lolcatz on thos plates in her office. My impressions of the 5th movie continue as follows (this script was written by a friend)

  DUDLEY: Yo yo, I am now to be called Big D. Bitches better recognise!
  HARRY: Dudley, you’re from Surrey. And stop beating up little kids.
  DUDLEY: Dude, he was dissin’ my bling! He had to go. Anyway… you’re gay.
  HARRY: TAKE THAT BACK! I AM A ICON FOR CHILDREN EVERYWHERE! WHERE IS YOUR EVIDENCE IN THE TEXT? WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
  DUDLEY: Man, you’re highly strung in this movie.
  HARRY: I threaten you with my small stick!
  DUDLEY’S
  MINIONS: We have suddenly developed intense and disturbing suspicions
  about what goes on behind closed doors in the Dursley household.

  HARRY: I toss and turn in my bed and think of Cedric. I don’t know where Dudley gets his crazy ideas from…
  TONKS, SHACKLEBOLT AND MOODY: Wassup?
  HARRY: Total strangers and a guy whose face I mostly know as belonging to a Death Eater! Why should I trust you?
  MOODY: Well, in the book we had Remus Lupin with us. But time presses and so Lupin can’t have any lines in this movie.
  HARRY: … Really?
  MOODY: Kid, we cut three-quarters of your best friend’s lines. You’re lucky there still is a Remus Lupin. Shall we go?

  HARRY: The dark corridor opens to reveal none other than my handsome godfather. Oh Sirius, I’m so happeee-
  MRS WEASLEY: slams door, hugs Harry
  HARRY: faint cry of thwarted godfatherly longing
  MRS WEASLEY: Up the stairs you go! He’ll be just as handsome in the morning!
  HERMIONE: leaps up and hugs Harry
  HARRY:
  Womanly embraces everywhere, and not a handsome godfather in sight. I’m
  feeling emo coming on. Hey, can I ask reasonably why you guys never
  call and you never write?
  WEASLEY TWINS: Hi Harry, we heard you shouting your head off.
  HARRY: I wasn’t sh-
  WEASLEY TWINS: Read the book, Harry, you totally were. It’s in capital letters and everything.
  HARRY: Wow, that’s a long book.
  WEASLEY
  TWINS: See, we have no time to lose questioning things. Let’s move
  along. Chop chop! Time to have our eavesdropping foiled by a cat.
  RON: I hate your cat, Hermione.
  HERMIONE: Shut up, Ron. Didn’t you hear that your lines got cut?

  HARRY: God help us, it’s a house-elf. Uh, you’re not going to follow me
  around singing my praises and showering me with presents, are you?
  KREACHER: LET ME INTRODUCE YOU TO A WHOLE NEW WORLD OF ‘HELL NO.’

  HARRY: Professor Dumbledore! I need to talk to you!
  DUMBLEDORE: Duck and weave, watch me go. Quick as a cat!
  HARRY: Professor, you said we had a connection! Professor, you said you’d call!

  HERMIONE: I think that you should tell someone that Umbridge made you cut ‘I must not tell lies’ into your hand, Harry.
  HARRY:
  No, I can’t! She said it was our – very special secret, and anyway it
  only happens when I am bad, if I am very very good she won’t hurt me
  any more, and besides that… I don’t know… somehow cutting just
  feels right…
  HERMIONE: Uh-oh.
  HARRY: Do you think they make this hoodie in black?

  HARRY VOICEOVER: ‘Dear Sirius, Winter is coming. The days are growing
  colder and darker. Cold like the hearts of those around me. (Nobody
  understands me.) Dark like my lonely, despairing soul. I have started
  to write poetry about my pain

  LUNA: See the invisible pterodactyls of death! They’re really special, do you see?
  HARRY: Um, no. Um, crazy lady? You’re not wearing any shoes.
  LUNA:
  The super fey have no shoes. The super fey need no shoes! Look, this
  baby pterodactyl is so special it needs meat instead of apples.
  HARRY: Uh, I’m not sure I quite – how long have you been carrying that raw meat in your bag for?

  HARRY: So… wow, you have a little mildewy shrine up to Cedric here. That’s – sexy.
  CHO: I am overcome by grief!
  HARRY: That’s also – very hot.
  CHO: I might need you to hold me tonight. I might need you to say it’s all right.
  HARRY: Now we’re talkin’.
  CHO: Oh look – mistletoe!
  HARRY: Oh, right. Horticulture is cool.
  CHO: …
  HARRY: I was brought up in a cupboard.
  CHO: Kiss me, you mad cupboard-living fool!
  HARRY & CHO: make out
  HARRY & CHO: make out some more, with feeling
  CENSORS:
  Ladies and gentlemen, please note that even though this pair are
  kissing with a will and Cho Chang is indubitably the hottest girl at
  Hogwarts, their bodies remain firmly apart. This is because Harry
  Potter is a little gentleman.

  HARRY: LOOK AT ME.
  DUMBLEDORE: Um…
  HARRY: BITCH.
  SNAPE:
  I came as quickly as I could to find… the headmaster having an
  emotional moment with a student in sweaty nightclothes. Er. Awkward.

  NEVILLE: *staring at the Mildewed Shrine of Cedric Diggory* I feel really bad about Cedric’s death too, Harry.
  HARRY: If you think I’m going to make out with you, you can forget it!
  NEVILLE: In that case, this is about my parents.

  DUMBLEDORE: I am responsible for everything! Now, watch me flee from justice!
  SHACKLEBOLT: Oh, I see you, baby. Shakin’ that ass.

  ALL: flee from Death Eaters towards Vaguely Ominous Portal
  DEATH EATERS: whoosh towards the Brave Little Gang
  HARRY: Quickly everybody, get behind me! I think this might be the poster shot!

  HARRY: We have each other. What does Voldemort have to fight for?
  RON: Well, his pureblood agenda, his band of loyal followers, control of the free world…
  ALL: Shut up, Ron

  So yes…enjoy. Tomorrow is the day off. w00t

  • 12:15 am
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