October 19, 2011
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Musings and
I have not taken a lot of time for myself lately. It seems like i have constantly been pushed or pulled in some direction at somebody’s behest, be it work, or my girlfriend, my mother, or a friend in need. I dont begrudge any of these obligations, though I do think they have contributed in some way to my current funk (quick! somebody bring in da noise!) mostly because everything I try to do for somebody seems to disappoint them.
I am a talker. This doesnt mean I dont or wont act, just that I find words to have a lot of power, and believe that ever situation has a right thing (and conversely, a wrong thing) that can be said. Words of comfort, words of care, words expressing intent or goals, but overall words. I like to hear somebody ask for help or advice, or have someone tell me they love me, or appreciate what I have done. I would go so far as to say that any blogger shares a similar attitude with me to a degree…after all, if we didnt believe in the power of words, why bother to set them down for others who come after us?
My girlfriend, much as I love her, places much more emphasis on the importance of actions. Words are just a fancy way of not doing anything to her. Should she have a bad day, she doesnt want someone to talk with her about it, she wants them to intuitively recognize that she is upset, then take her out to do something, regardless of moping until she cheers up. Similarly, there is never a expressed desire for me to come over or spend time with her…just the assumption that if I want to, I will. This has caused me no small degree of difficulty in our actions. Neither way is right or wrong, but the viewpoints and philosophies on life that accompany the two have led to many misunderstandings and upsets.
At work, I remain under the microscope, held to a different standard than my coresidents, every mistake magnified, every good or appropriate action minimized, ignored or taken for granted. Because of preconceived attitudes from earlier interactions with the hospitalists, this unpleasant existence will be my de facto reality for the remaining 6 months of my residency until such time as I can pack up and return to Chicago.
At home, I recently observed the 7th anniversary of my fathers death, which took place while I was away in med school during finals week…I have previously commented on it here, here, and here for those of you were not following me at the time.
Becuase of all these various things going on in my life, I have given up, or at least let fall by the wayside all the things I used to do…rock climbing, model building, crosswords, reading, performing comedy, even blogging, and how much time does it really take to sit down in front of a computer and write a few sentences? I have grown, I have matured, but I am not sure that I like who I have become…there are days I miss just being me, and I need to find some way to recapture that before all this outside world crap overwhelms me.
Those of you who have been commenting along, thanks. Though we may be virtual strangers, I do see your comments and it is nice to know that real people exist out there with invisible ears for me to bend. We all have our own dramas, I am just hoping that I can return to being a sitcom sooner rather than later, and maybe these words can help ground me until I can do just that.
Dr J out.
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Why Not Zoidberg
Comments (6)
I thought about this a bit before I posted something. I think this was a really good and insightful post, btw.
As far as your gf goes, I think just the fact that you figured out what she wants is like 500% progress. This reminds me of a book I heard of once (on the View) The 5 Love Languages. I’m sure Amazon can re-cap this much more eloquently than I.
This too shall pass. Hang in there. At any rate, we are all here reading.
I hear you.
It is easier to talk to someone you do not see. Ever notice a good counselor will not sit looking directly at you but at an angle to give you a chance to look away. The hardest thing for me to learn was that self-esteem comes from within and not from without. I guess it is saying I gotta be me. Oh sure I respect others opinions – accept -mmmm. I also found in any relationship unexpressed expectations are dangerous to say the least. No matter if it someone a consider a friend or lover, of course trust is needed but also conversation, caring, compromise and commitment. Sharing I think is the in-word now. Just musing of an old man. Hang in there – love who you are and others will love you. Meow Meow,
I think strangers know more about my innermost thoughts and feelings than those closet to me do. But I prefer it this way, because then no one really judges me.
(the dream being that i just came home tonight from a recruitment dinner where my husband and i did not pay a cent of our $100+ tab.)
just so you know, our family made it through that very time. my husband reminds of times that i called him absolutely frantic about one thing or another when he would be working 80 hours a week… fortunately, i don’t even remember those times. and now we are living the dream. don’t give up now!