November 25, 2011
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Doubts
I’m not sure I want to do medicine anymore.
SHould I even be putting this on a public forum? Are you sure you want to know what goes on inside your doctors head during the training period?
Maybe it’s just the people I am working with, or the string of horrible things I have had to deal with at work since august, but I meet all the technical definitions of burnout. A recent quality review issue that came up during nightfloat was deemed to not meet the standard of care (i.e.-something went wrong, and a committee decided it was my fault) and as a result, I am waiting to see what the next step is.
The options are dismissal, which I have been told will not happen, further remediation (meaning more time spent with people i dont like, dont trust, and who have zero faith in my abilities as a physician, and probably as a person), or probation and extension (an extra 6-12 months of residency)
The best case scenario at this point is further remediation. My inner pessismist has been rearing his head and warning me to start preparing for probation or extension-after all n one has been there to offer help or support the rest of the time in residency, why would they start now? And it is practically a guarantee that if I am made to do an additional 6 months of residency, I will lose my fellowship position that I worked so hard to get.
Oh yeah, also the humiliation of telling friends/family/whoever about why I am still in residency, not doing fellowship, etc. Cant forget that
I dont remember why I wanted to be a doctor anymore. I know at one point I did, or I wouldnt have been able to make it through medical school. I can read over past entries and see I was still bright eyed, bushy tailed, and hopeful. Now all I can think of is what I have to do before I can leave the hospital for the day, and even when that is done, how long I will have to work before my loans are paid off and I can stop doing this.
Medicine isnt fun anymore-I used to like teaching med students, educating patients, making people feel better, talking about interesting cases with colleagues. Now I avoid interacting with my peers for anything other than specific patient care issues. I find myself dreading my next r service and what else my superiors will find wrong, when I used to look forward to having a new med student to teach and morning reports to learn from.
And if they take my fellowship away, why force myself to stay in this environment? I find myself wondering what other careers I could pursue to pay off my loans, checking the forums to see what else is left for me. I invested too much to not finish residency, and I will have to stay in medicine at least until my loans are paid back, but then? DO I really want to commit myself to a career in which I am miserable, or at the very least, not happy?
I spoke with one of my friends the other day, who mentioned how he used to be much more up to date with his languages, he would always be studying japanese, but now he finds himself reading neuro journals and hanging out at work because he loves what he does.
…
I want that. I want to enjoy what I do, and not have it be just a job or feel like an excuse for a paycheck…but is medicine still the way for me to achieve that?
And maybe all the stress is temporary and if i can get out of this environment my opinions will change.
and maybe it isnt.
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Why Not Zoidberg
Comments (7)
I don’t really use xanga anymore, but I’m glad I found this post.
Quit if you want to, but don’t quit because of discouragement. If you truly dislike medicine, your job description, your future, then quit. If you’re discouraged because of co-workers and things going wrong, keep going.
Were we still talking when I had to stay in school for an extra quarter? I technically passed all my classes, but I was put with a nurse who shouldn’t have been assigned a student and almost administered incorrect medications. I didn’t, but the school still counted it as a med error. I had to go through so much shit that I almost quit.
I’m glad I didn’t. I’m working a job I hate more than most jobs I’ve ever hated, but I like being a nurse. I’m looking forward to finding a job that I don’t hate.
Evaluate your feelings carefully, man. If you really don’t want to be a doctor, then quit. If you’re just surrounded by shitty people and sad circumstances, stick with it.
i’ve known one guy that quit his residency because he hated it so much. it took a few years for him to get the hang of things, but ultimately he is now better off.
most of us stick it out and hope for better times, but that doesn’t mean it’s the answer for you.
my husband has been “in trouble” at work, and i know what it feels like. somewhere in one of those levels of hell. in my husband’s case, he owned up to what was his fault, and he refused to take the blame for what wasn’t his fault, and things came out okay in the end.
hang in there. you have definitely put in too much time to quit now, just do whatever it takes to at least finish this one step.
I can repeat all the saying that you already know. I had a period that was similar to yours. I was not doing anything correctly according to the gods. I was ready to quit but I have a stubborn streak – I spent all the time studying and working and I wanted for a career/vacation. I did vent with someone and settle down to think a little more. I would not let them take away from me what I worked hard to achieve. I thought I would show them. I refused to let the bastards get me down and sink more into my work and study. Hell, I thought this is like a hazing and I lasted through that. I guess I sound spoiled – I wanted what I wanted and I really did feel called to it. Not many people can do what you do – so you are special – fight for what you want or to what you feel called.
Vent verbally – go workout in a gym – run a distance. Don’t let someone else tell you where you belong.
I dont tell very many people this but I was this () close to damn well quitting my job sometime this year last year. I had issues with my boss, my head wasn’t into my work, and I wanted to see what else was out there.
But, I hung on and something better eventually came my way. I just had to be a little patient. I think you just need an outlet to vent your frustrations. Try seeing a career coach and see if they can find ways to improve your work. Just remember not alot of people can do what you do.
Don’t think that way! Remember all the good positive thoughts that got you working in medicine. This isn’t the environment you will be working in forever. Don’t be sad :[
~hugs~ I can’t say I’ve been in your shoes, nor can I offer any advice. All I can do is wish you the best, knowing that whatever path you choose will ultimate steer you in the right direction. Things sounds hella fucking stressful, but they won’t be like this forever. I have no doubt you’ll find your niche, you’ll overcome this stressful situation, and you’ll create the work environment you’ll have passion in. This situation is only temporary. It will pass, and soon you’ll look back at this time as a necessary burden that you can put behind you, and move on.