I will raise my future children to believe this.

I love puns. So much.

I wish this comic was less true. But for many families, being involved doesnt mean weighing the options and heeding the advice our education has given us, but dictating care according to what they think the patient wants or needs.

I find myself dreading my upcoming wards month…I dont want any difficult families. I cant afford to have anyone evaluate me as anything less than perfect. The human body was not meant to undergo these levels of stress for this long. And yet, here I am still plugging away, still hoping against hope that despite all evidence to the contrary, something, anything, will turn out right. I guess that is the difference between hope and faith…with faith, you dont have this kind of anguish, you simply know. With hope, you keep waiting for something to be snatched away.

I dont know why I keep recording this whole episode. Is it for you, or for me? If I make it through this, is it something I really want to remember? Will I one day look back on these posts and tell myself, oh right medicine isnt always easy, but you have been here before…or will I reread this and be like, this was your tipping point, when you had all you could stand and left a career that was doing nothing but breaking your spirit

I dont want to know the future, I just wish I didnt have to keep anticipating it.

I havent done a comics post in a while. Figured I would intersperse it with some personal thoughts. I think I am beginning to see the writing on the wall with my current relationship. Nothing is specifically wrong, it just seems that whatever I do will never be good enough. As per the excellent quote by @suuperstar in the last post, at a certain point you cant keep trying to change yourself especially when it doesnt seem appreciated or if the other person is willing to change for you. I like who I am, or at least I used to, and I dont want to lose that. Apparently relationships can fail simply from holding different viewpoints on life. Who knew?

I feel like this a lot at work lately…like somehow, I just dont get it. Like no matter what I do, it’s not good enough, and even when I do something right, someone is there to point out how obvious the solution was and how I should have gotten it sooner. 

I know this too shall pass, but I wish that i didnt have personal and professional drama going on at the same time. I guess it’s just because November is sweeps month, I am pulling stunts like this to garner ratings…

oh well, better than being canceled.

I dont know why I never put anything personal on here anymore. It’s not like I am trying to do anymore about protecting my identity. Maybe it’s just that life has been so busy that sitting in front of a computer for another hour just to sit down and complain that i have too much to do doesnt seem worth it. Easier to go swimming, or yoga, or something active with my limited free time.

Residency has been bad the last couple months. Mostly because I have been made the whipping boy in this hospitalists versus residents atmosphere. Someone not get their scheduled med? Josh’s fault. Pt septic on wrong antibiotic? Probably Josh. Someone three counties over broke a hip and died from fat embolus? Get Josh’s lawyer on the line.

It’s not really that bad, but the snowball effect sure makes it seem that way. So in my final year of residency when everything is supposed to be sunshine, lollipops, and unicorn farts, what am I doing?

getting in early, writing all my notes, and then looking for procedures to do so I can minimize the amount of time I have to spend around all these toxic personalities until 5pm when I can go home. The upside it that it means even better pt care since I can hide in pts rooms to avoid the hospitalists…they will never find me there. I have already managed to do about 4 paracentesis and 3 central lines in 2 weeks. maybe i will throw a thora or two in for the hell of it.

In just a few days I will begin my final year of residency. Starting once again, on night float :-/ Ah well, what can you do. It seems strange to think I have been jotting down intermittent thoughts here since my pre-med days, all the way up to now, when I will be finishing up residency and beginning a fellowship. I look back at myself and sometimes wonder how I had the dedication to stick it through. There is never any hint of doubt in my posting that being in medicine is what I wanted to do, although there is lots of doubt about the path I thought I could or would take.

And yet despite all that I made it. Muddled through step 1,2,3 of the usmle, obtained my medical license, my DEA card, my NPI number, more letters after my last name than anyone really cares about and I still have another 4 years of training.

That said, This friday, when I start as an r3, no matter how stressful any given patient or night may become…

…I made it.

Video link courtesy of one of my interns

-Dr J

Haven’t posted any comics in a while. Dont forget to laugh!

Please enjoy these medical themed comics while I have no patient stories to tell.

This is a typical day at clinic.