movies

  • They called it quantum because no understands it

    More discussions about the Quantum of solace movie with my brother. ****SPOILERS*****

    M: I know Bond completely disregards every order I give him…but I have no choice but to accede to that lovable rascals every demand, because otherwise we wont have a franchise.

    Bond: I need you to come with me
    Mathis: you had me tortured!
    Bond: I need you to come with me
    Mathis: I’ll pack my bags.

    At some point according to the movie they then had this conversation
    Mathis: If I ever die in argentina I want you to toss my body in a dumpster
    Bond: anything for you my friend

    gratuitous bond girl with no ties to the already weak storyline: you cant put mathis in a dumpster, he was your friend!
    Bond: was. upsy daisy!

    Villains: lets build a luxury hotel in the middle of a dessert that apparently exists in bolivia. But because we are still early bond villains, let’s not waste time with elaborate deathtraps or even henchmen. After all, what could possibly go wrong?

    Supposed main villain: the guys from queer eye are more evil than me, AND have better fashion sense. Damn, i guess i will just serve as a weak plot advancement with supposed information bond suspects I have because some gratuitous tramp in a bug will pick up anyone in front of a hotel

    Bond: good job unecessary bond girl! way to cower and be useless for a secret service agent. Now I have things to do, so run along to this bolivian motel 6. I am sure your government, for whom you are supposedly employed despite us never having seen any evidence of it, will take care of you. And no, we dont need to even have the standard bond sex scene, because I got it out of the way with someone who was supposed to arrest me *flashback*

    Agent: I’m here to arrest you
    Bond: we’re going to a hotel for drinks
    Agent: okay. but then i need to arrest you
    Bond: actually, let’s sleep together first.
    Agent: okay. but THEN i need to arrest you
    Bond: let’s go to a party
    Agent: i’m not really very good at my job
    Bond: and now you’re dead…whose the master of one night stands? SHAFT! i mean, me…can you dig it?

    Director of quantum of solace: I learned from george lucas-it doesnt have to make sense, I know you will see it anyway. Now if you will pardon me, i have lots of laughing to do on my way to the bank. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

    So yes, new bond movie=the suck. Feel free to disagree, but i WILL probably think less of you

  • Odds and Ends

    If you have been to the page, you may have noticed I have recently changed the avatar from dr zoidberg. The new one is pretty neat and zoidberg could use some time off. It looks almost like me…an almost, ALMOST dr j To give credit where credit is due, thanks be to carmen, who pointed me to maebemaebenot who actually found this hot new trend all the kids these days are doing. And in case you also want to jump off this bridge all the popular kids are leaping from, here is the link for yourself

    faceyourmanga

    Other than that, the rotation is going as well as can be expected. Managed to see a case of eye herpes on a 67 year old woman. You are wondering how she got it, perhaps? disturbed by the thought of a granny getting freaky? Well, set your minds at ease, because she had type 1, the oral variety. She had touched her lip during a recurrence, and then touched her eye without thinking about it.
    http://www.bausch.com/en_US/ecp/resources/image_library/full_img/photo263.jpg
    Now that happens to be a far more severe case than what I saw. But do you notice the growth of blood vessels and advancement of the sclera (white part of the eye) onto the cornea? That is known as neovascularization. It is one of the common signs of a herpetic infection in the eye.

    The lesson: Wash your hands. Also, dont get herpes, if you can help it.

    I also got to see a couple of cataract lens removal patients, preoperatively all the way through to post op. In cataracts, the lens of your eye accquires opacities as you age, kind of like a window pane building up dirt over the years. Now some people it affects so severely that they can no longer see through the window. So that is when we go in, remove the old lens, and put in a new one. Like smashing the window open, taking out all the glass, and putting in a new window. But since I am using a retrospectively poor simile,
    http://akshieyecentre.com/images/steps-of-foldable-iol-inser.jpg
    And without using a slit lamp to examine a dilated eye, you would never know the difference. Creepy, isn’t it?

    Most of the remaining patients were rather routine…yearly vision exams, follow up diabetic and/or glaucoma appointments, an occasional red eye or contact lens fitting, nothing to write home (or the internet) about. I use these patients to learn more about common problem management, and improve my ability with direct fundoscopy…using the handheld I am now almost always able to find the optic disc and nerve, and am gradually improving in my ability to estimate cup/disc ratio, and some indirect fundoscopy, which is the same as direct, only not.

    Have you ever been in a car and heard or used the phrase “pedestrian! 10 points!” or some equivalent thereof, and wondered where it comes from? Wonder no more…the concept of numerary reward for hit and runs dates back to a 1975 film titled “Death Race 2000″. Costarring a young sylvester stallone. In a postapocalyptic world, the united provences entertain the masses with a cross country death race. Racers are awarded points not only for winning, but also for number of pedestrians destroyed with the elderly and the pediatric given higher values and such.
    http://blogs.pitch.com/plog/the_more_you_know2.jpg
    Incidentally, a remake of that film will be released next friday simply entitled “death race” I am interested to see how the story is adapted. I advise you to watch the original and compare for yourself.

    As for the weekend, I have been on a five mile hike at silver falls state park, which i will go into more detail about next post. I will also be heading up to Portland to check out the zoo, the remainder of the city and go to the indian festival being held that day…I dont know how i keep coming across these random ethnic festivals, but i am not complaining

    in answer to the olympics post, the fake story was the one about lack of compelling human drama disqualifying an athlete. Below is another article from the same writer, andy borowitz

    China’s Gold Medals Found to Have High Lead Content

    China’s impressive haul of gold medals at the Beijing Olympics was
    tarnished somewhat today when it was revealed that “abnormally high
    levels of lead” were found in the first-place medallions.

    The medals, which were supposed to be made entirely of gold, were
    instead found to be composed of 99% lead alloy and coated with a
    gold-colored lead-based paint.

    The shocking revelations roiled the Olympic complex today and sent
    officials looking for answers from the Chinese manufacturer of the
    medals, the Wuhan One Hundred Percent Gold Medal Corporation.

    “We are trying to determine how exactly so much lead got into those
    gold medals,” said a spokesman for Wuhan, China’s largest exporter of
    gold medals. “Until we do, we are urging all first-place athletes not
    to lick, taste or suck on their medals.”

    The news about the potentially toxic gold medals spread panic among
    Olympic champions, especially U.S. swimming phenom Michael Phelps.

    “I am very, very concerned about my extensive contact with gold
    medals,” Mr. Phelps told reporters. “But what am I supposed to do? Stop
    being so awesome?”

    In other Olympic news, China’s hopes for winning more medals in
    women’s gymnastics were dashed when one of their leading gymnasts
    vanished down a bathtub drain on Tuesday.

    Immediately after Jiang Qimin’s disappearance, Beijing authorities launched a search for the acclaimed seven-pound athlete.

    Jiang had been the subject of speculation earlier this week as many
    foreign observers doubted China’s claims that the two-foot-tall gymnast
    was sixteen years old.

    In an interview with NBC’s Bob Costas on Monday, Jiang sparked
    controversy with this response to a question about her age: “I want my
    sippy cup.

  • Introduction

    Just consider me the best cocktail party story you ever met.”
    -Julian Noble, from The Matador

    When I can say that line to anyone, and be able to back it up, I will have completed my life’s mission. Though not its work

  • Forbidden Kingdom

    Forbidden Kingom FTW!

    Jet Li and Jackie Chan together was on par with freddy versus Jason, or Alien versus Predator. Two larger than life icons, and the fight is so entertaining you dont care who wins. Watching this movie was like christmas, halloween, and your birthday all rolled up into one, condensed , liquified, placed in a gel cap and shoved directly into your eyeballs. Nothing beat it, and nothing ever will

    The movie starts off with chinese people flying through the air for no apparent reason, because that is what chinese people do in their spare time. No really. I have been to china, and businessmen get tired of waiting for the bus and take to the skies. True Story.

    Soon after, random white kid wakes up. turns out he has been having these strange dreams for the last couple weeks about this sort of stuff. It could be foreshadowing, or it could be the fact that he goes on to be introduced as a chinese movie fanboy who is all buddy buddy with the old chinese pawn shop owner down the street. The pawn shop owner who has a mysterious back room for storage filled with the same weapon that has been in the kids dream. What an amazing coincidence. Turns out generations of pawn shop owners in this family have been tasked with holding onto the staff until someone shows up to take it to its rightful owner. Kid says…golly gee willikers thats neat, now i will take my daily dose of dvds and be on my merry way

    While going home, Kid is attacked by what appears to be the cast of grease, or possibly west side story. They rough him up a little and then decide to rob the pawn shop owner, mostly because he exists. Of course during the robbery, the old man gets shot and Kid escapes with the mysterious staff from the back room where he is chased by the Jets gang until the staff takes hold of him and throws him off a building

    Kid comes too in rural china. Where everyone is speaking chinese to him. Like watching chris farley in the japanese game show skit. Kid handles it remarkably well, and works his way into the local town with the help of Jackie Chan, who by speaking loud and slow, manages to teach Kid to understand mandarin in about 2 seconds. Or every chinese person Kid meets from this point on in the movie speaks english so Kid can understand what is going on, its not really made clear

    Along the way we find out Kid is a prophecied one who is supposed to return to the Monkey King his magical staff that made him unbeatable. Oh except it is only a magical staff for the monkey kind. Not for the kid, who knows no kung fu at all. Along the way he meets friends to help him on his quest…girl who refers to herself in the third person throughout the whole movie, and jet li, who has a matrix style fight with jackie chan.

    Cmon, Jackie, stop trying to hit me and HIT ME!

    you think thats air your breathing right now? hmmm.

    Hijinks ensue, with plot holes in the movie so large you can see other plotholes through them. To avoid spoiling the film, I shant say anymore than this was another one of the movies that was so over the top, you couldnt help but be entertained.

    Suffice to say, go see this movie.

  • Josh Goes To Sparta

    My brother made this…edited so well it is seamless…it’s like I am really in the movie

    On a unrelated note, Do any of my readers take offense to the word “moist”?

    Because, news to me, apparently women find this word offensive
    link here
    and here

  • I know this is weeks after the fact, but this comic just hits home on so many levels.

    -J

  • Yes i saw the transformers movie. And though it was not great (megatron is a gun, not a fighter jet, too many humans, bumblebee as a camaro?) and there were several issues i took with the movie and michael bay, it was overall enjoyable. Had i not grown up on the original series, i daresay it would have been downright fantastic. So why would i go see a movie which i had low expectations for?

    A little known fact, but if you decode the part of the Y chromosome usually dismissed as junk DNA it actually reads GATTACATAGGATA-ROBOTSINDISGUISE-TTAGGATA-CATTACAG-BOOBIES. Fact.

    For that matter, I think breasts are that one thing that everyone can agree on. World peace could probably happen if every woman on Earth collectively showed their breasts. I know people who say, “I’m more of an ass person”, yet they look with wide open eyes at the possibility of boobs demonstration. The fact remains that you’re not going to turn the opportunity down. Even if a girl said, “I have the ugliest titties in the world”, you’d still be like, “I think I’m going to have to see for myself”. Even if you want to do nothing with them, there’s nothing like seeing a titty. and that’s my take on that.

    This post has been brought to you by 10 minutes of nothing to do while on call. Back to the professional world folks

    -J

  • More than meets the eye…

    next spain post coming on my day off…in the meantime

    A LETTER TO
    OPTIMUS PRIME
    FROM HIS GEICO
    AUTO INSURANCE
    AGENT.



    Dear Mr. Prime,

    We have received your
    accident-claim reports for the month of June—they total 27. I regret to
    inform you that GEICO will not be able to reimburse you for any of
    those repairs. I feel that I have sent the same letter to you once a
    month for the last six months, and I am now sending it again.

    Since becoming a
    GEICO customer in January of this year, you have reported 131
    accidents, requesting reimbursement for repairs necessitated by each
    one. You have claimed not to be responsible in any of them, usually
    listing the cause of the accident as either “Sneak attack by
    Decepticons” or “Unavoidable damage caused by protecting freedom for
    all sentient beings.”

    The only repairs
    for which you were reimbursed were the replacement of a cracked fender
    and a headlight, required after a Mr. I. Ron Hide backed his van into
    your truck; these cost $1,286.63. Our own investigation concluded that
    you were not at fault and that Mr. Hide had been drinking prior to the
    accident. Though police were unable to test his blood-alcohol level—Mr.
    Hide claimed that it would be impossible for police to examine his
    blood-alcohol content with a Breathalyzer, because he “doesn’t
    breathe”—under Washington-state law, refusal to take a Breathalyzer
    test is equivalent to returning a result above the legal level.

    But, I repeat,
    those were the only repairs for which you have been reimbursed, and it
    was a very minor accident in comparison to your other claims. I mention
    a few to illustrate the larger trend:

    • $379,431.34 requested
      reimbursement for repairs to your truck cabin. You claimed the damage
      was caused by attacking fighter jets.
    • $665,789.11
      requested reimbursement for repairs to your trailer. You claimed the
      damage was caused by a giant mechanical scorpion, which I can only
      assume is some amusement-park ride, although I question the wisdom of
      bringing your mobile home so close to such dangerous equipment.
    • $6,564,239.44
      requested reimbursement for repairs to a truck part called the “Autobot
      Matrix of Leadership.” You stated this occurred in “an ultimate
      confrontation between good and evil,” with a Ms. Meg Atron and a Mr. U.
      Nicron causing the damage in question. Mr. Prime, I have checked every
      known car- and truck-part catalog published in the United States and
      have found nothing even resembling that part, never mind any part so
      expensive. Whatever disagreements you had with Ms. Atron and Mr.
      Nicron, I suggest that next time you either settle things peaceably or
      leave your Autobot Matrix of Leadership at home so it doesn’t break.
      GEICO does not cover Autobot Matrix of Leaderships.


    And the list goes on. Mr.
    Prime, I am going to remind you again: Your policy with GEICO only
    reimburses you for accidents that occur while you are engaged in the
    reasonable use of your truck and trailer. As I told you when you
    originally purchased the policy, GEICO does not offer Megatron
    coverage, Starscream coverage, Soundwave coverage, Decepticon coverage,
    or Energon-blast coverage. Those are just not the types of damages we
    would expect from reasonable use.

    To sum up, GEICO
    has been unable to reimburse you for any repairs, but due to the high
    number of accidents you have been a party to this month, combined with
    the many accidents you have had in the preceding five months, your
    premium has increased to $235,567.50 per month. While that may seem
    like a lot, I remind you that it is a savings of $137 over Progressive
    and $98 over State Farm. Please have your check into our main office by
    the end of July.

    Regards,

    Simon Furman
    GEICO Agent

    -J

  • 28 seconds later…

    Saw the 28 weeks later movie this past weekend. I am a huge fan of zombie movies. This should not come as a surprise to any of you. If it does, welcome back from your coma.

    But I digress.  My overall opinion of the movie: If someone had shot that damn kid in the first 5 minutes of the film, no one would have had any problems and there would have been no movie. Seriously, wtf? Everyone was safe and hunky dory, and because of this little ginger kid, all the colonists have to be killed and the virus spreads. So freakin frustrating

    http://www.myconfinedspace.com/watermark.php?src=wp-content/uploads/2007/05/jesus_supper_zombie.jpg
    The Last Supper with Zombies

    XMetalDetectorX (11:02:28 AM): they’re eating his body and drinking his blood, amen

    -J