January 8, 2006

• Top Ten of 2005

  Alrighty! guess what? that’s right! no pics this post either…but the
  enxt one i make will have pics of break in it, or my name isn’t
  whatever my name is.

  however, here are a few top ten lists of 2005, courtesy of LA weekly
  
  
  10 Reasons To Switch From Christianity to Scientology

  1. Secret handshake

  2. Annual Thetan Jamboree in Trementina, New Mexico

  3. Subterranean passages linking Beck’s house to every Starbucks in the city

  4. No one feels it necessary to elect a new Hubbard after the old one’s died.

  5. Free airplane rides

  6. New members receive secret letter explaining Forest Whitaker’s masochistic
  involvement in Battlefield Earth.

  7. Faster Internet

  8. Sonny Bono, Donny Osmond, Sonny Bono, Donny Osmond

  9. Scientology’s climactic moment does not
  involve destruction of the planet.

  10. More Hollywood; fewer politicians

  Glands of the Year 2005

  1. Pituitary

  2. Pineal

  3. Prostate

  4. Coccygeal

  5. Adrenal

  6. Sebaceous

  7. Salivary

  8. Cowper’s

  9. Huguier’s

  10. Titties

  The Year in Useless Products
  
  Cheetos Lip Balm In a bold era of never-ending synergy between
  fast-food products — LAY’S ^® KC MASTERPIECE^® BBQ Flavored
  Potato Chips, Pizza Hut Cheese Pizza Popcorn, et al. — it was just a matter
  of time before salty snacks and personal hygiene would join forces. Cheetos
  Lip Balm is out in front of that trend with, well, a lip balm that tastes like
  Cheetos. Delicious, dusty Cheetos. But no orange fingers or powdery mess here!
  One application is all it takes to bring the taste of junk food to your lips
  for several hours.

  Liquor in a Sword Ararat5 is a brandy that comes in a unique
  sword-shaped bottle. Pour it into your goblet or drink it straight from the
  hilt. Ararat5, made by a Polish company, contains 40 percent alcohol by volume
  and is guaranteed to work. And what better commercial pairing than alcohol and
  deadly weapons? Now all you need is an artificial retractable foreskin.

  Artificial Retractable Foreskin Circumcised men of the world,
  lament no more your missing foreskin! It may have been taken from you tragically,
  but Viafin-Atlas has the answer with SenSlip, a new “device” marketed as “the
  world’s first ever artificial retractable foreskin for circumcised men.” SenSlip
  allows the aggrieved among circumcised men to reclaim their stolen pride and
  present themselves anew in full, unaltered glory. Or at least a mechanical approximation
  thereof.
  
  Aromatherapy in a Bottle Purifique is the name of a new beverage claiming
  to be “the world’s first all-natural aromatherapy energy drink.” Not just for
  drinking, Purifique is also an olfactory experience! Purifique’s “botanical
  infusions” are supposed to deliver “pure plant oxygen” and a compliment of aromatherapy
  benefits to lift your spirits, regulate your system and focus your mind.

  Psychic Pills It’s called Magneurol6-S, and it’s based on a
  proprietary ingredient called “magnetitum,” which Remcure Enterprises says will
  help disadvantaged mediums, clairvoyants and superheroes “surpass current human
  capabilities by 3,000 years!,” which must explain why their brand of Superior
  Mind & Brain Performance Dietary Supplement is aggressively priced at $49.99
  per bottle. Still need to be convinced? Remcure’s literature describes studies
  showing that animals contain high levels of magnetized iron in their brains,
  which is what our allies in nature apparently use to tune in to the Earth’s
  magnetic fields to predict earthquakes, follow migration routes, sense danger
  and so on. If you don’t have time to wait around for a radioactive spider to
  bite you, Remcure might be the quick fix.

  Boob Muffs Just what it sounds like — sort of. These are not
  winter wear for breasts but rather regular old earmuffs shaped like boobs. This
  one comes from Baron Bob’s Boob Bonanza, where one can also procure the more
  common boob mugs. It’s the muffs, however, that are Thinsulate approved.
  
  2005 was a big year for primates and the primatologists who study them:
  
  More Lemurs
  Nicknamed the “eighth continent” for its vast biological diversity,
  Madagascar produced two new lemur species this year. Lemurs are the
  fuzzy ancestral (and endangered) cousins of monkeys and apes. All 49
  species exist solely on the island.

  Dinner Conversation
  There’s now evidence that chimpanzees speak to each other directly about
  their environment. Using high-pitched noises or low-pitched grunts, chimps communicate
  in detail, particularly about their food. At the Edinburgh Zoo, for instance,
  it was learned that the chimps hate apples. Ranking much higher on their menu:
  bread.

  Accent
  In Japan, researchers discovered that monkey talk isn’t all the same.
  Like humans, they have regional dialects. What’s more, their voice tone
  often reflects the specific terrain. For instance, monkeys living on
  Yakushima Island have a high-toned accent because tall trees on the
  island tend to block their voices.

  Contagious Yawning
  Science has yet to explain why humans yawn, or why we yawn when we see
  other people yawn. What we do now know is that both great apes and the
  lesser primates (macaques and lemurs) also yawn contagiously.

  Fruit and Sex
  Capuchin monkeys learned to use money this year. Using a silver disk as
  currency that could be exchanged for food, the critters quickly
  developed budgeting and began following the basic rules of utility
  maximization and price theory. A capuchin even discovered the
  fungibility of money — that it could be used to buy not only food, but anything.
  The first new monetary monkey market: sex. Researchers were stunned
  when a male offered a female a token for a quick roll in the hay and
  she accepted. Afterward, the female traded her new token for a tasty
  grape. (emphasis mine)

  
  Gorilla Tools
  Field researchers in the Republic of Congo caught gorillas in the wild
  using tools. One female lowland gorilla named Leah was filmed using a
  long stick to gauge water depth while walking through a swamp pond.
  Another researcher saw a different female lay down a dead tree trunk to
  cross a deep patch in the same swamp.

  Giganto
  Gigantopithecus blacki (a.k.a. Giganto) was a prehistoric ape
  that stood 12 feet tall and weighed 1,200 pounds. Giganto’s fossil remains were
  first discovered in 1935 in a Hong Kong pharmacy, and paleontologists long thought
  the species died out a million years ago. But this year researchers learned that
  the creature lived as recently as 100,000 years ago — side by side with modern
  Homo sapiens, i.e., us. Could he still be roaming the forests of the Pacific Northwest?

  Onlinicus Gamblii
  The common name of a new species of titi monkey discovered last year at
  the Madidi National Park in Bolivia was auctioned off to the highest
  bidder. The winner: GoldenPalace.com, which paid $650,000 to put its
  moniker on the new GoldenPalace.com Monkey.

  Monkeys Like the Same Toys as Human Children
  A psychologist at Texas A&M University published findings in the journal Evolution and Human Behavior showing that male monkeys like to play with toy cars while female monkeys prefer dolls.

  They Also Love Celebrities
  An experiment at Duke University Medical Center offered thirsty monkeys
  a choice: their favorite drink, in this case, Juicy Juice brand cherry drink,
  or the opportunity to look at computer images of the dominant, “celebrity” monkey
  of their pack. Despite their thirst, they chose to look at the pictures. Monkeys
  with status have food, power and sexual magnetism — everything the others crave.
  The impulse to look at these “celebrity” monkeys was so strong, it superseded
  thirst.

  Surprise! They Dig Porn, Too
  In the same experiment, researchers discovered that their monkeys would
  give up significant juice rewards if it meant viewing female behinds.

  and if that wasnt enough for ya, as i desperately try to catch up in my wacky porn postings, here is a petition that i encourage you all to sign…and i dont even EAT steak!

  that ought to tide you all over…

  -J

  The Josh is really looking for excuses not to study
  

  • 12:54 pm
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