April 1, 2007

• This week in God

  So what with today being palm sunday and all, and greek easter coming up in just a week, i figured it was time to at least refresh my memory of that whole catholic religion thing which i gave up practicing so long ago. (except for greek easter, cuz the food and traditions are awesome)

  after reading Exodus I
  have to say I was profoundly disturbed by God’s conversations with
  Moses.
  I think that the Moses-God conversations can be cleanly summarized as follows:

  God: MOSES, I HAVE CHOSEN YOU TO FREE MY PEOPLE FROM SLAVERY AND LEAD THEM OUT
  OF EGYPT.

  Moses: Thank you, Lord. I’m sure with your power behind us the Pharoah will
  have no choice but to consent to free us.

  God: YES, YES, I COULD DO THAT, MAKE IT EASY AND ALL, BUT THEN WHAT WOULD BE IN
  IT FOR ME?

  Moses: W…what? Well, we’d worship you and our descendants will worship you,
  of course. I mean, that’s part of the deal, no question.

  God: I KNOW, BUT WILL YOU MEAN IT? REALLY, REALLY MEAN IT? I WANT TO AT LEAST
  HAVE A CHANCE TO SHOW HOW TRULY POWERFUL I AM.

  Moses: Uh…well…that’s a valid concern. What…what do you propose?

  God: WELL, FIRST OFF, HE WON’T FREE YOU BECAUSE I WILL DO THIS “HARDEN HIS
  HEART” THING.

  Moses: Um…

  God: YOU WILL VISIT HIM TEN TIMES AND BECAUSE OF ME HE’LL SAY NO AGAIN AND
  AGAIN UNTIL THE LAST TIME. AFTER EACH REFUSAL, I’LL SEND A DIFFERENT PLAGUE,
  EACH MORE HORRIFIC THAN THE LAST. AND AS HE’S WATCHING HIS OWN FAMILY AND HIS
  SUBJECTS DIE, HE’LL WANT TO LET YOUR PEOPLE GO, YES, BUT EACH TIME I’LL HARDEN
  HIS HEART AGAIN, SO HE’LL CHANGE HIS MIND.

  Moses: So…so you’re going to kill many innocent people, who mostly have
  nothing to do with our slavery, to punish this ruler whose actions you’re
  controlling anyway? That…that’s…

  God: WELL, YES, BUT THE PEOPLE RESPOND BEST TO JERKS. JESUS WILL DO ALRIGHT
  WITH THIS MESSAGE OF LOVE AND UNDERSTANDING, BUT PEOPLE WILL ONLY REALLY START
  TO LISTEN TO THIS PAUL FELLOW, AND BELIEVE ME HE WILL BE, WELL, A TREMENDOUS
  ASSHOLE. AND IF ONLY YOU COULD SEE THIS PHENOMENON CALLED “REALITY
  TELEVISION” FROM OVER 2,000 YEARS FROM NOW…I MEAN, THE SHALLOW,
  BRAIN DEAD JERKS ON “THE REAL WORLD” WILL BE BAD ENOUGH, BUT THEN THEY
  WILL HAVE TO HAVE ALL THESE DYSFUNCTIONAL FREAKS ON SHOWS LIKE “WIFE
  SWAP.” AND IT WON’T EVEN BE IRONIC LIKE THE “JERRY SPRINGER
  SHOW”; DO THEY ACTUALLY THINK PEOPLE SHOULD BE ABLE TO RELATE TO THESE
  HOWLING PRICKS? BUT I DIGRESS…MOSES, ON THE LAST TIME I WILL CHANGE PHAROAH’S
  MIND AGAIN, AND HE WILL PURSUE YOUR PEOPLE, WHICH WILL GIVE ME AN EXCUSE TO
  PART THE RED SEA FOR YOU. THEN WHEN PHAROAH AND HIS
  ARMY FOLLOW, I’LL DROWN THEM ALL! LIKE ANTS IN A PUDDLE! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
  MOSES, CAN YOU IMAGINE IT?! LIKE ANTS! ANTS! HAHAHAHA! ALL DYING LIKE HELPLESS,
  WORTHLESS, VILE ANTS!

  Moses: E…everything’s going to be all right. I’ll do whatever you say. Nobody
  has to get hurt, okay?

  God: LIKE. ANTS

  Not amused/offended yet? in that case, how about the return of the cyanide happiness comics?
  

  -J

  • 2:44 pm
  • 3 Comments