April 9, 2007

• Misconceptions about Zelda

  Important Misconceptions Dispelled

  You may have gotten a few
  misconceptions from playing video games involving sword-slinging,
  dungeon crawling heroes. I’m here to dispel a few of them.

  1.
  Despite what you may believe, jumping over an enemy and then repeatedly
  bouncing on him sword-first (think pogo stick) is NOT the most
  effective way to defeat an adversary.

  2. It is, in fact, impossible to shoot harmful laser beams from your sword, even when you are in perfect health.

  3. Sure, a boomerang might temporarily stun a foe… but if it is skillfully thrown, it might also kill him.

  4.
  Repeatedly striking a chicken with a longsword will not enrage the
  chicken and summon a host of “chicken allies” to chastise you. It will
  just created a bloody mess. And a dead chicken.

  5. The solution to a difficult problem is not always marked with a musical “Ba-da-da-du-da-DA!” I wish it was.

  6.
  There is NOT a good chance that if you throw stuff in a pond, it will
  be returned to you by a faerie who has improved its functionality.
  There IS a good chance that you’re a dumbass who just threw his stuff
  in a pond.

  7. Princesses in danger of kidnapping: don’t rely
  on some erstwhile fated elven hero to save you from the evil sorcerer.
  Mace his ass and kick him in the jimmy. I don’t care if he does
  practice dark magic. I guaran-damn-TEE that he doesn’t practice it
  while he’s on the ground, writhing in pain, crying, and grabbing his
  jimmy.

  8. With some extremely rare exceptions, people will not
  make polite conversation with you when you break into their homes,
  rifle through their drawers, and smash all their pottery in hopes of
  finding money and weapons.

  9. Maybe you’re the destined hero who will save the world. Maybe you’re a whacko in green tights. Ponder this deeply…

  10.
  You know what doesn’t live under giant boulders you explode with
  dynamite? Money, bombs, arrows, faeries, and secret passages. You know
  what does? Bugs. Bugs that you just murdered with dynamite.

  • 10:27 am
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