December 21, 2008
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Choosy Terrorists Choose Jif
As mentioned in the last entry, I had to rework my travel plans at the last minute due to doofishness on my part when originally purchasing my ticket. The comedy of errors merely continued one after the other however as while working my way through security at JFK airport, I am pulled out of line because there is an “issue” with my bag.
Airport Security Susie (ASS): “This yours?”
No ‘sir’, not even a polite inquisitive tone. This obese woman has already made up her mind as to my threat level.
Me: “What, you mean the peanut butter?”
ASS: “Yes. You can’t bring this on the plane.”
Me: Why not? It’s peanut butter.
ASS: We dont allow this on the planeMe: But why?
Now you have to understand, this is no ordinary peanut butter. During my week in New York, A friend, knowing of my love for things smooth and creamy, took me to a NY specialty store, Peanut Butter and Co. While there, I purchased a sampler of their peanut butter platter, and one of the ones I tried was white chocolate peanut butter. I immediately purchased a jar to bring back and enjoy in california, where I could taste a white (chocolate peanut butter) christmas. Now back to our argument
ASS: This is over 3 oz
Me: It’s not a liquid. It’s peanut butter
ASS: It’s a paste and therefore on the list. cant be over 3 oz
Me: What the hell becomes dangerous about peanut butter between 3 and 4 ounces?
ASS: We are not allowed to tell you
Me: Do you seriously expect me to believe that peanut butter poses a THREAT to America?
ASS: Sir, you cannot bring this on the plane
Me: but, but, its PEANUT BUTTER
ASS: there are things that can be done with this that they tell us and we cant tell youI try to see her point. Maybe Allah loves peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Maybe I could force the pilot to eat a spoonful and take over the plane while he tries to extricate it from the roof of his mouth. I should be thanking the TSA for preventing peanut butter terrorism
I think back to a friend from my college days who used to travel with a lot of technical equipment and sound gear and was constantly getting pulled out of line. At one particularly frustrating encounter, he (for lack of a better word) blew up at the agent and shouted “You idiots couldnt tell the difference between C4 and Peanut Butter!”
After which he was quietly taken aside by some larger TSA agents for a “random search”
Ah-ha I think to myself!
Me: It’s not C4.
ASS: what?
Me: It’s not C4, its peanut butter, here I will eat it right in front of you!
ASS: you cannot take this on the plane, you will have to go back to the end of the line and check it.
Me: What in my laptop bag?
ASS: its that or it stays here (with me where I will begin enjoying it the moment you are out of my sight)
Me: I hate you and you are a terrible person
ASS: merry xmas and have a nice flightSo 6 dollars down the drain. But the story does have a somewhat happy ending…I have since learned through visiting the website linked above that certain select whole foods markets carry this company, and the nearest one is only 20 miles away…so the last laugh will be mine…as soon as I get this C4 off the roof of my mouth
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Why Not Zoidberg
Comments (12)
Mmmmm…. that’s a funny story. You so make me wanna go get some of that stuff now.
lol i got private search guhh…last week when i travelled
@Rveblade – Man, that is so true. That saves so much time. And now they’re charging for carry on bags.
@Agent_Eric - i only travel with carry-on to save myself time
Should’ve checked in your bags homie.
I put as much as I can in official gov containers marked ‘SECRET’
I don’t know what I’m goign to do when I’m on leave or after I get out.
“I hate you and you’re a terrible person”.
Ay Sr. J. Las cosas de la vida. In one of her trips abroad,my sister was told she had to leave a very small container of body splash and so she did, but she emptied its contents into the trashcan. People behind her clapped.
Also, I just have to share that in this exchange I pictured you as Ben Stiller in Meet the Parents.
Shouldn’t she be wishing you happy Eid, you terrorist? Anyway, good for you for trying. That peanut butter sounds amazing. Bastard TSA!!
TSA is retarded.
I remember bringing a 4-inch blade through a security checkpoint in Atlanta pre 9/11. I was even allowed to the gate with it.
When we were coming back from Syria, we had a big container of my mother in law’s home made olives in our carryon. I don’t remember why. They asked us if it was water or olive oil in the olives. Of course we lied and told them that it was water.
Good grief. I love how the conversation concludes with “Merry Christmas and have a nice flight!” Haha. I’ve had a lot of random things confiscated at airports: a mini-stapler, a pair of toenail clippers, the strap on my suitcase (twice…after that I stopped buying new ones), oh and once they were very suspicious that my clock radio was an explosive device of some sort. I think what the terrorists actually do is they give the pilot a mouthful of peanut butter so he/she can’t coherently call for help.
Wonder if it was ASS who also confiscated my brand new hand cream last time I was in LAX. I’m pretty sure she just brought it home for herself.