January 10, 2012

• Resolutions

  My first post of the new year. And my 11th straight year of xanga posting. So In that I am moving forward at least.

  2011 was simultaneously one of my best and worst years. It began with a reconnection with an old friend that blossomed into a relationship, a lightening of my work schedule, and best of all, acceptance into one of the most competive fields in internal medicine, gastroenterology at a location I had wanted, cook county in chicago, where I had lived for 5 years during med and grad school.

  It ended with remediation and loss of the fellowship, extension of a 3 year residency by a 4th year with the accompanying self doubt and humiliation, and the impending end of a relationship that for a number of small reasons that have continued adding up, simply did not work out.

  I fought the good fight, in both work and love. And in both cases, sadly, the end result was a polite announcement that while my efforts are impressive, the end result is the same and I cant continue on. The fellowship advised me to re-apply, but will not allow me to defer. The gf notes that we simply are not “best friends” merely boyfriend and girlfriend, that we dont share enough of a connection to build any kind of lasting relationship. I am encouraged to reapply if our friendship deepens, but barring a few remaining social obligations, I need to gracefully let go and allow her to find the happiness I simply cannot provide. She hasnt said it in so many words, but even someone as dense as me cant fail to pick up on signals and subtext repeated often enough.

  So Where am I in the beginning of the new year? Where I was three years ago…older, hopefully wiser, but kissing ass working like an intern who has just moved back to the state as friends deepen their careers and achieve financial comfort and stability, single as I continue to receive announcement after announcement, and watch my friends slowly drift away into weddings and family planning, living at home when people I know are all buying houses.

  It’s not a good place.

  And yet, I still try and find the small things that can keep me going from day to day. Relearning the piano, to give myself some creative outlet while the comedy is on hold. Using my large amounts of isolated alone time at work to catch up on my reading, both fun and study. Trip planning the upcoming vacation with my usual travel friends.

  Have I been defeated? absolutely. But this merely goes to show what I have known all along-medicine is not my life. It’s a job. A fascinating and challenging one to be sure, but not who I am. And while I will reapply, I dont hold out too much hope of achieving the same position twice with this albatross around my neck. At least I know I was capable of it…unlike when I applied for optho as a med student, I WAS accepted…I WAS good enough, and the horrible political scapegoat environment at my residency is what cost me.

  I dont get a choice. I have to complete residency no matter what I do after, whether fellowship by some miracle, or some outpatient/hospitalist job to pay off my loans.

  I cant think about the future, because I dont have one. I can only focus on one day, then the next.

  New Year for so many people is usually a time of resolutions. For me it is a time to be resolute.

  • 1:41 pm
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