March 26, 2009

• How the internet ruined pr0n

  I feel sorry for kids today. The internet has ruined porn.

  Now hear me out hear for a moment.

  Those of us of the male persuasion used to have to work a lot harder for our naughty pictures. Remember the days when you first found your dads stash of dirty magazines hidden in the toolshed/garage/bathroom? Or maybe it was those late nights you stayed up watching the scrambled channels, trying to figure out if you were seeing boob or elbow? Or the really determined younguns who saved up their money and then sauntered over to the nearest homeless man or college kid and convinced them to buy you the latest issue of playboy or if you were truly perverted, hustler?

  Yeah you do. And the difficulty in obtaining your smut made reading it all the more worthwhile. (You just looked at the pictures, honest!) There was always that one kid in the neighborhood who would always have the stack of dirty magazines in the treehouse, and you would all go over just to flip through them and ogle the naked ladies.

  If you were a girl, you were probably having slumber parties, the goings on at which dirty old men can only dream about.

  And then the internet came and ruined it for everyone.

  Oh sure at first it was just an extension of the print medium. Dial up provided a world of selection to the carnal conosseiur. A randy redhead, exotic asian, or the brand new world of fake celebrity photos! But, given the time involved waiting for the computer screen to load, we would always return to the trust treehouse of whore-or.

  But the decline continued. Soon, dial up was replaced by cable, and then t-1 connections. Private video sites, and then myspace, and finally redtube, youporn and their misbegotten ilk. Gone was the social bond formed in obtaining porn, replaced by legions of individuals sitting alone in front of their computer screen. Gone were the classy pinup girls of the calendars, replaced instead by celebrity sluts like paris hilton. Gone was the element of imagination from fantasy, as rule 34 took firm hold of the internet.

  Last to fall was the simple joy so many men used to be able to express at merely simply seeing a woman naked. With mere naked women available at the click of a button, smut peddlers had to work harder to compete with each other to lure the average consumer with their succubi. The fantasies of yesteryear (threesomes, lesbians “convinced” to give men one more try) became replaced with acts of bondage, rape, bestiality, and tentacle porn (oh you wacky japanese)

  With anything you could imagine already made into porn (damn you rule 34) brand new perversions had to be created to keep up with the demand. Things like 2girlsone cup or lemonparty, goatse and you know the rest. Yes you do, dont try and pretend you dont.

  Now dont get me wrong, I love porn as much as the next guy. I just weep for the lost innocence of the future generations, who will never know the simple joys of seeing sideboob on a scrambled channel.

  Boy, nostalgia catches you at the weirdest times.

  • 1:39 am
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