August 18, 2009

• Defying Doubt

  No word on the casting call yet. I know you are all in suspense.

  That aside, my previous entry was a bit disturbing, to both you out there in internetland, and to me as well. I wanted to come back and reassure all of you that while night float absolutely IS tough, and stressful, and confusing, I am doing OKAY with it.

  The previous entry was during my first week, learning the computer system, the attendings, remembering basic medicine, things which piled up to seem almost overwhelming.

  I am now in week 4, and while I still dont know much, it turns out I know more than I think I do. That patient who had high blood sugar over the sliding scale? Without a clue of what to do, I gave more insulin. Turns out that is exactly what I was supposed to do. Sure I could have given more than I did on that occasion safely, but I didnt know it at the time.

  The patient who was vomiting blood and I started suction, while frantically calling the attending? Turns out he didnt have any recommendations beyond what I had already done.

  So somewhere deep in my psyche, I actually DO know what I am doing…I have just chosen not to communicate it to myself at this point.

  Of course in my downtime at the hospital, I still peruse up to date, ask advice from interns and attendings I bump into, and read classic journal articles so I can start bringing that knowledge I supposedly have to the forefront faster. And I still have a long way to go before anyone not related to me by blood or incriminating photos would call me competent and on top of my game.

  The point is, while the whole situation is stressful, it is surmountable. It is character building stress. And with each shift, I get a little bit better at handling whatever is thrown at me. And before I know it, the next two months will be over. And then the year. And then residency. As long as I remember to slow down, take it one problem at a time and just BREATHE.

  So long story short…things are tough, but there is still nowhere else I would rather be…except maybe not getting paged so often

  • 2:14 am
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