December 2, 2009
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FML
Currently I am rotating in the coronary/cardiac care unit, or ccu.
I dont like it.
I have been a doctor for almost half a year now, and this rotation is the first time that I have actually felt like what I do is “work”. I dont remember being so unhappy even when I was doing my two months of night float, running to every code and socially isolated from everyone else.
Every single day on this rotation has taught me, but it has taught me in such a way that I go home feeling defeated, disappointed, and dumb. I look at an EKG and I have learned to recognize specific types of abnormal rhythms, but cant wrap my head around the spatial orientation of the leads that those rhythms represent. (by contrast: the fellow looks at a morning EKG and can say, oh the surgeons will probably find this vessel occluded because lead v2 has an inverted t wave-wtf?)
I come in earlier and earlier each day and still cant seem to stay on top of all my patients before we round. I know what happened during the night, I know what meds they are on, but I will forget bits and pieces of the their other problems or plan during my presentation because I will mix up details between the 6 people I had when I left, and the 3 new ones who came in this morning, all 9 of who I am apparently supposed to have memorized to the smallest detail by 8:30am.
The fellow subtly reminds me and the other two interns on an almost daily basis now that if we cant get all this done in a timely fashion, we might just have to come in earlier. I already get there at 6am, and that’s after a 40 minute commute. Then he will tell us how back in his day, he used to be responsible for more people, earlier and it could always be worse.
Yes, but it could also be better. Isnt that why things like duty hours and other resident sparing measures were implemented to begin with?
I feel like I am a constant disappointment to the attendings when I am pimped and even when I come up with the correct answer its not fast enough to suit them. Now, to be clear, neither the fellow or the attendings are in any way mean or belittling. Quite the contrary. All the suggestions they make are legitimate, and necessary and really will make me a better doctor…it just would be nice if every once in a while I could hear that I did something well rather than that I could do something better.
Or maybe I really am just a terrible doctor.
It’s the constant doubting of myself that this rotation is causing that is really taking it out of me. Now I have a habit of becoming a little bit more easily depressed during the winter months (as do many people) and I was hoping that being in california with more sun, among friends, and enjoying what I do would help with all that.
But I dont see the sun…I get to work and leave work when its dark. I am friendly with all my coworkers, but have really only one or two I trust enough to call friends and complain to without having to worry about who might say what to whom. And I dont have an academic interest in the heart to begin with and this rotation certainly isnt going to improve it.
I am a categorical intern for internal medicine. And I need to know this stuff. But learning it like this is slowly killing my spirit. And I dont know how much more I can take and still put on the “thank you sir may I have another” act.
I know I chose a hard profession, and it wont always be fun and games. I just didnt think it would get to me this early. and take away so many of the simple joys, like having time to myself, or cooking dinner, or stopping to watch the sun out the window.
I guess I just wish there was someone else who understood. and who I could trust enough to confide in.
Oh well. Happy Holidays.
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Why Not Zoidberg
Comments (13)
Reading this a bit late, but I’m glad you posted it. I think that far too often, other interns try to cover the fact that they too, are struggling. But like I said in a previous comment, it sounds like things have gotten better for you, and having survived CCU, you are a better doctor today. Also, I enjoyed reading about your role models. I need to sit back and think about my own.
@rebexcellent - it would only count as a beatles song if i knew any other words besides that line. Since I dont, it stays a commercial jingle
@Rveblade - please please tell me you are joking and know that that was a beatles song
@rebexcellent - to quote that chevron commercial, i got to admit its getting better. it’s getting better all the time
I am right there with you. In fact it’s like reading my life for the last few months. Trauma was my CCU – 50 patients who multiple people were rounding on every morning and yet somehow I was ultimately responsible to make sure all the plans actually happened. It wasn’t hard to feel defeated and disappointing and the attendings picked up on it enough to have various people come talk to me about how I’m feeling/ if I’m thinking about quitting.
I too am losing any joy in outside activities, desperately miss the sun (it sets at like 3:30pm so I blink and it’s gone) and have great colleagues but experience extreme lonliness most of the days of the week. I’d like to say all this is getting better, especially on rotations I actually like, but the shock of the winter and holidays approaching aren’t helping.
One thing is true, it can only get better from here. I’ve been told this is the low point, halfway through intern year. After this hopefully we’ll get more comfortable in our jobs and lives and locations and it’ll be hard to remember how we felt when we talk to budding new interns.
You’ve come a really long way… just hang in there! You can do it!
Hey dude. Residency would be nothing if it weren’t for these experience. We cherish the good days, knowing they are rare. The rest of the time, we plug away and, when it gets bad, we call in back up. Always make sure you have your backup.
@pigeon404 - @satired - @alterEGGO - @Agent_Eric - @stevew918 - thank you guys. I know it will get better, and I just have to tough it out, but it honestly does help to know that even if I can’t see you, you’re all there. I just am not used to being this depressed, and its tough to keep putting on the happy face when it doesnt feel like its accomplishing anything. I wish I had more time to respond to each of you personally, but as I am sure you have gathered, I barely even have time to update this on a regular basis right now. I wish you all well and can hopefully catch up with you later
You are not alone. Some jobs are thankless and dispiriting, especially when you feel like you cannot succeed no matter how hard you try. But don’t give up! Remember, what doesn’t kill you will make you stronger in the end. Also, we in the xanga community think you are pretty great! Yay to doctors! We need you!
Moving somewhere for school is always hard. I’ve been here for almost two years and have only two people I’d call true friends here; the rest are acquaintances or classmates. It’s
hard
, dude. Telemetry is the suckiest place to be if you don’t have an interest in it. Don’t let it kill your spirit, though. You didn’t go to school to become a cardiologist. This is just part of the crap you have to go through until you get to deal with crap forever (pun!).
I hope you feel better. IM me if you ever want to bitch about school, because I pretty much always want to bitch about school.
sorry to hear that. I have my whole family in the medical field and I wish there was a way for my cousins that are DR’s to talk with you if that would help ….. I have sent them the link to this so….whoooo knows.
One thing they haven’t been able to tell me is….why do Dr’s in the er under stitch wounds. My littlest son had a head cut and they only put 3 stitches in and the nurse mumbled that she would have put 5 or 6 to make it not scar (it is a really big scar) and tonight my oldest got 2 in the side of his index finger he uses most. The nurse that was bandaging it comment it should have had at least 4.
I have a new found respect for doctors after having reading your entries as of late. And I just want to say how interesting it is to witness your evolution ever since I started subbing to you.
Hopefully things work out for the better. If it’s any consolation, I feel the same way about myself in a different context.
Medical doctor is probably one of the most challenging profession, and your current rotation is definitely the most challenging part. Iife will get easier from here on, I heard. Hang it there, we need you. :)