Alrighty! guess what? that’s right! no pics this post either…but the
enxt one i make will have pics of break in it, or my name isn’t
whatever my name is.
however, here are a few top ten lists of 2005, courtesy of LA weekly
10 Reasons To Switch From Christianity to Scientology
1. Secret handshake
2. Annual Thetan Jamboree in Trementina, New Mexico
3. Subterranean passages linking Beck’s house to every Starbucks in the city
4. No one feels it necessary to elect a new Hubbard after the old one’s died.
5. Free airplane rides
6. New members receive secret letter explaining Forest Whitaker’s masochistic
involvement in Battlefield Earth.
7. Faster Internet
8. Sonny Bono, Donny Osmond, Sonny Bono, Donny Osmond
9. Scientology’s climactic moment does not
involve destruction of the planet.
10. More Hollywood; fewer politicians
Glands of the Year 2005
1. Pituitary
2. Pineal
3. Prostate
4. Coccygeal
5. Adrenal
6. Sebaceous
7. Salivary
8. Cowper’s
9. Huguier’s
10. Titties
The Year in Useless Products
Cheetos Lip Balm In a bold era of never-ending synergy between
fast-food products — LAY’S ® KC MASTERPIECE® BBQ Flavored
Potato Chips, Pizza Hut Cheese Pizza Popcorn, et al. — it was just a matter
of time before salty snacks and personal hygiene would join forces. Cheetos
Lip Balm is out in front of that trend with, well, a lip balm that tastes like
Cheetos. Delicious, dusty Cheetos. But no orange fingers or powdery mess here!
One application is all it takes to bring the taste of junk food to your lips
for several hours.
Liquor in a Sword Ararat5 is a brandy that comes in a unique
sword-shaped bottle. Pour it into your goblet or drink it straight from the
hilt. Ararat5, made by a Polish company, contains 40 percent alcohol by volume
and is guaranteed to work. And what better commercial pairing than alcohol and
deadly weapons? Now all you need is an artificial retractable foreskin.
Artificial Retractable Foreskin Circumcised men of the world,
lament no more your missing foreskin! It may have been taken from you tragically,
but Viafin-Atlas has the answer with SenSlip, a new “device” marketed as “the
world’s first ever artificial retractable foreskin for circumcised men.” SenSlip
allows the aggrieved among circumcised men to reclaim their stolen pride and
present themselves anew in full, unaltered glory. Or at least a mechanical approximation
thereof.
Aromatherapy in a Bottle Purifique is the name of a new beverage claiming
to be “the world’s first all-natural aromatherapy energy drink.” Not just for
drinking, Purifique is also an olfactory experience! Purifique’s “botanical
infusions” are supposed to deliver “pure plant oxygen” and a compliment of aromatherapy
benefits to lift your spirits, regulate your system and focus your mind.
Psychic Pills It’s called Magneurol6-S, and it’s based on a
proprietary ingredient called “magnetitum,” which Remcure Enterprises says will
help disadvantaged mediums, clairvoyants and superheroes “surpass current human
capabilities by 3,000 years!,” which must explain why their brand of Superior
Mind & Brain Performance Dietary Supplement is aggressively priced at $49.99
per bottle. Still need to be convinced? Remcure’s literature describes studies
showing that animals contain high levels of magnetized iron in their brains,
which is what our allies in nature apparently use to tune in to the Earth’s
magnetic fields to predict earthquakes, follow migration routes, sense danger
and so on. If you don’t have time to wait around for a radioactive spider to
bite you, Remcure might be the quick fix.
Boob Muffs Just what it sounds like — sort of. These are not
winter wear for breasts but rather regular old earmuffs shaped like boobs. This
one comes from Baron Bob’s Boob Bonanza, where one can also procure the more
common boob mugs. It’s the muffs, however, that are Thinsulate approved.
2005 was a big year for primates and the primatologists who study them:
More Lemurs
Nicknamed the “eighth continent” for its vast biological diversity,
Madagascar produced two new lemur species this year. Lemurs are the
fuzzy ancestral (and endangered) cousins of monkeys and apes. All 49
species exist solely on the island.
Dinner Conversation
There’s now evidence that chimpanzees speak to each other directly about
their environment. Using high-pitched noises or low-pitched grunts, chimps communicate
in detail, particularly about their food. At the Edinburgh Zoo, for instance,
it was learned that the chimps hate apples. Ranking much higher on their menu:
bread.
Accent
In Japan, researchers discovered that monkey talk isn’t all the same.
Like humans, they have regional dialects. What’s more, their voice tone
often reflects the specific terrain. For instance, monkeys living on
Yakushima Island have a high-toned accent because tall trees on the
island tend to block their voices.
Contagious Yawning
Science has yet to explain why humans yawn, or why we yawn when we see
other people yawn. What we do now know is that both great apes and the
lesser primates (macaques and lemurs) also yawn contagiously.
Fruit and Sex
Capuchin monkeys learned to use money this year. Using a silver disk as
currency that could be exchanged for food, the critters quickly
developed budgeting and began following the basic rules of utility
maximization and price theory. A capuchin even discovered the
fungibility of money — that it could be used to buy not only food, but anything.
The first new monetary monkey market: sex. Researchers were stunned
when a male offered a female a token for a quick roll in the hay and
she accepted. Afterward, the female traded her new token for a tasty
grape. (emphasis mine)
Gorilla Tools
Field researchers in the Republic of Congo caught gorillas in the wild
using tools. One female lowland gorilla named Leah was filmed using a
long stick to gauge water depth while walking through a swamp pond.
Another researcher saw a different female lay down a dead tree trunk to
cross a deep patch in the same swamp.
Giganto
Gigantopithecus blacki (a.k.a. Giganto) was a prehistoric ape
that stood 12 feet tall and weighed 1,200 pounds. Giganto’s fossil remains were
first discovered in 1935 in a Hong Kong pharmacy, and paleontologists long thought
the species died out a million years ago. But this year researchers learned that
the creature lived as recently as 100,000 years ago — side by side with modern
Homo sapiens, i.e., us. Could he still be roaming the forests of the Pacific Northwest?
Onlinicus Gamblii
The common name of a new species of titi monkey discovered last year at
the Madidi National Park in Bolivia was auctioned off to the highest
bidder. The winner: GoldenPalace.com, which paid $650,000 to put its
moniker on the new GoldenPalace.com Monkey.
Monkeys Like the Same Toys as Human Children
A psychologist at Texas A&M University published findings in the journal Evolution and Human Behavior showing that male monkeys like to play with toy cars while female monkeys prefer dolls.
They Also Love Celebrities
An experiment at Duke University Medical Center offered thirsty monkeys
a choice: their favorite drink, in this case, Juicy Juice brand cherry drink,
or the opportunity to look at computer images of the dominant, “celebrity” monkey
of their pack. Despite their thirst, they chose to look at the pictures. Monkeys
with status have food, power and sexual magnetism — everything the others crave.
The impulse to look at these “celebrity” monkeys was so strong, it superseded
thirst.
Surprise! They Dig Porn, Too
In the same experiment, researchers discovered that their monkeys would
give up significant juice rewards if it meant viewing female behinds.
and if that wasnt enough for ya, as i desperately try to catch up in my wacky porn postings, here is a petition that i encourage you all to sign…and i dont even EAT steak!
that ought to tide you all over…
-J
The Josh is really looking for excuses not to study
Golly going back to japan will be fun.
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